The 12 days of a foster carer's Christmas: A guide to festive fostering
‘I don’t like Christmas, can we not do it?’ ‘How will Santa find me?’ ‘Am I imposing?’ These are just some of the questions foster carers might have to deal with at Christmas. Here foster carer Maria Catterick shares her experiences, and offers advice to anyone caring for a looked-after child over the festive period
Picture credit: Design Pics Inc/Rex Features
Thursday 20 December 2012 09:47
I’m a single foster carer who cares for children on a short-term basis. This transitional state can offer additional challenges for the child at Christmas. I’ve gone through a number of Christmas experiences and, although each child is unique, I’ve gained a few insights along the way. I’m sure every carer can add to the list below.
1. On the 1st day of Christmas my foster child said to me… ‘I don’t like Christmas, can we not do it this year?’
For some children, Christmas has not been a happy event and can bring back difficult memories. Explanations I’ve been told include: parents getting violent or aggressive, strangers coming to the house, parents sleeping through Christmas to sleep off the effects of alcohol or drugs, getting no presents, no food and so on.
#
or
i want to see my brother or sister, can i??
How you might handle this:
You could plan Christmas with the kids so they know what is going to happen. This may reduce their fears and make them feel a part of the festivities. If guests are coming (so its guests when it is a friend of the foster carer, and 'strangers visiting' when its parents of the child) it’s helpful if they are already known, or are talked about before Christmas to show how well you know them.
If children have come from houses where alcohol harm has occurred, perhaps no alcohol should be consumed at all, or at least not until after the children have gone to bed. yeah its best you only get hammered once they are asleep... if your a parent though its wrong to get smashed at christmas
Reassure the younger ones that your family always ensures everyone gets some presents on Christmas day. Let them help you buy gifts for others to demonstrate this.
For those who worry about the food, involving them in choosing the menu may help. Or let them come on the grocery shop or help you unpack Christmas shopping. wow isnt she a angel fairy godmother foster mummy..... £450 a week per child though you would be perfect wouldnt you.
2. On the 2nd day of Christmas my foster child said to me... ‘How will Santa find me?’
A number of common questions crop up for foster carers when Christmas decorations start appearing in the shops. These include: ‘Will I be staying for Christmas? How will Santa find me if I'm not at home? For a looked-after child these questions are important. They may be a sign of bigger questions, like ‘will I ever go home again?’, while others are just ensuring they don’t miss out on the latest gadget. no shit Sherlock, its a wonderful thing being a foster mummy skimming the state for £450 a week and being a psycho analyst too
How you might handle this:
If the plan is unclear, contact the social worker and try to find out whether the child will definitely be staying for Christmas. (yeah best to be sure you get your bonus hey!!) When asked to make a decision, most social workers will give you a clear answer.(unless your a real parent of the child... then you can just fuck off)
With really young children we sometimes visit Santa (his helper in the local shopping centre). Some amazing Santas have reassured children that his team of helpers know where their presents need to go, even if they're in foster care. These serious enquiries and relieved smiles from my little ones have sometimes left Santa a little misty-eyed. maybe they are misty eyed because they wanted theyre real mummy to take them to santa, not the hired mummy/psycho analyser / and overbearingly soppy moo. or maybe the child is crying because they are desperately missing theyre parent? no mention of that strangely in this bullshit PR stunt
3. On the 3rd day of Christmas my foster child said to me… “Is it OK that I am here for your holidays?”
Some older children may worry about imposing, because there is a perception that it is your house, so your occasion. If they are a child of a different faith or culture, this needs to be navigated carefully so you can work out what they want to do about the occasion. A child should not feel pressurised to participate, nor left out. isnt she so thoughtful? howabout arranging a real parent spend the day in your foster home (paid for by your huge salary from the state to steal children and hold them against their will? or is it ONLY the most damaged beaten and abused children you get?? there is no mention of children who do not want to be with this wonderful mrs doubtfire type of fantastic foster mother. and doesnt she sound wonderfully happy and confident ?? that will be the thousands of pounds she earns imprisoning children in her house for profit
How you might handle this:
Sewing their names onto Christmas stockings and hanging them by the fire can provide a sense of belonging and inclusion, much like their picture on the mantelpiece and the name plate on their door does outside the festive season. Sometimes the small wordless gestures say so much.
If they cannot receive direct positive words, joke about something, like noting you’d miss the constant sound of One Direction and would have to buy the downloads yourself to fill the silence if they weren’t there. Ok, so it’s not particularly funny but you get the message that they hear! no in fact its not funny at all - how about making the child understand that they will be able to go home as soon as possible. (oh you cant can you because that way you may lose some profits) its easier to sit there with your little notepad looking for ways to prove the parents are bad parents... keep your not so hard earned cash coming in hey!!
You could also broaden it into a ‘winter celebration’ so that children of all faiths can participate. Speak to the child’s social worker to get their recommendations. yeah - not the parents though cos theyre still too busy getting hammered and inviting strangers over to their house to abuse other kids too arent they ms foster carer!! wouldnt want the parent of the child to help would you!
4. On the 4th day of Christmas my social worker said to me… “Can you take a sibling group of four?”
This happened to me a few days before the kids broke up from school for the holidays. I was dashing and dancing my way around the almost-empty shopping aisles to buy presents in the two days I had to shop without the children. What do you buy children of different ages, who are strangers to you? Talk about Christmas stress. oh gosh that must have been so traumatic for you ms foster carer!!! oh well at least you had the cash to 'run around the isles buying presents for 'strangers'.. where did that money come from?
How you might handle this:
You can only do your best. I bought presents in a parallel fashion (the same category of gift, just a different item) and got more low-priced items in the hope at least some would hit the mark ( you mean so your profit margin wasnt squeezed too much.). I also called someone on Christmas Eve, after I'd known the children a few days, and asked them to buy extra gifts I knew the children wanted.
If you can, ask a partner, friend or family member to help with the pressure of purchasing, wrapping and hiding presents. wow what a fantastic and wonderful life, isnt your group of friends and family just so lovely... so even though your on a huge £2000 a week for 4 children, you got others to buy presents... theres no flies on you Ms Foster Carer is there!
5. On the 5th day of Christmas my foster child said to me… ‘Will Santa give my big sister more presents than me?’
In this time of emotional turmoil, some children will be checking (not only at Christmas but all year) if the person caring for them likes or loves a sibling more than them. er news flash : LOVE??? not even a most distressed child asks a foster carer if they love them.. ffs is this what foster carers do?? tell them they love children when the child is in such a distressed state after being torn from their mummy and daddy?? its nature not something you can just provide because your on £450 a week per child. love.. love your own child and keep your hands off other parents children... unless you are preventing that child from going into adoption or a state ran care home.. stop doing it for massive profit and then most people will respect you instead of hating you along with the social workers who peddle this business
How you might handle this:
Always try to secure some alone time with each child. It communicates a lot about your desire to hang out with them (so - now!!) and can create a sense of value and self-esteem. Even in a busy house, rotating who can be the helper in a task, like cupcake making, can carve out special moments.
Children with cognitive impairments may find it difficult to understand that the same amount of money has been spent on each child if one has four expensive presents and the other has ten less expensive presents. Consider what will work for your child’s level of understanding. Your Childs level??? your child?? YOUR??? are you crazy? they are not your child, they are never going to be your child, all children have a mum and dad, foster parents simply earn thousands from children and parents grief. yea there are a few children whom foster caring is right for.. vulnerable to state homes, adoption rejects, and children whose parents are simply disgusting abusers whom need hanging. but the problem is too many children are in foster care due to issues not mentioned in this PR bullshit. Those parents are good loving parents, and when they see a foster carer use the words 'your child' as if the child is their child... it sends a anger within the parent that i believe will eventually lead to very serious consequences for foster carers across the country soon enough. when a parent knows they are in the wrong they back off, they know there is nothing they can do, they rightfully lose they're child, but when the child is wrongly removed the parents anger will become rage son enough, it is foster parents and social workers whom stand to face the consequences at the end of the day in my opinion. you cant go around stealing children, farming them out to industry - foster caring is an industry, there is a money merry go round, and not expect parents to fight back.
6. On the 6th day of Christmas my foster child said to me… ‘What do you normally do at Christmas?’
I love this question. This is where I explain some of the routines and fun things that can be done at Christmas. Some children think my celebrations are ‘lame’, but others want to join me. We do early baths and pyjamas on Christmas Eve then have popcorn and sweets with a Christmas movie. We also watch NORAD online to see Santa delivering presents. Just before bed we sit in front of the fire, with Rudolph’s carrot and Santa’s mince pie sitting on the hearth, and read T’was the Night before Christmas. Sometimes the older children sit pretending not to listen, but then you hear them filling in the rhyming words. Of course, I don’t let them know I noticed. (puking) if you want to paint an idyllic picture Ms Foster Carer thats fine, im sure the courts and the local authority's are simply too happy to accept your version of events... but if your like me you smell the bullshit here.. there is just no way this foster mother is receiving one child after another whom simply adore her and love her and want to be just like her... what a load of faffle!! i bet there are plenty of children who hate her guts and think all kinds of nasty stuff about her.. and as previously stated.. where is the mention of children who want to be home with their real mummy and daddy?
7. On the 7th day of Christmas my foster child said to me…‘My family will be sad at Christmas without me.’
Some of the many children who’ve come through my doors have expressed this sentiment, in many different words or through a variety of behaviours. A number are concerned about a parent or family member’s wellbeing, and more so at Christmas when TV advertisements present pictures of families and togetherness. Sometimes a few have meant, ‘I will be sad at Christmas without my family,’ but that statement may be a bit too personal and difficult for them to say out loud. the wording here is so tightly compact into little neat balls of crap!! just say it "you have children who say i dont want to be here i want to be with my real mummy and daddy"
How you might handle this:
Where appropriate, you could use family contact, via phone calls or Skype, on Christmas day. I’ve also found involving parents in the run up to Christmas, such as school nativities, has been a good way to encourage positive, managed involvement. If you agree to do a contact phone call – makes sure it happens at the appointed time. Some parents are counting down to the last second for the phone to ring. ahh arent you lovely, i bet the parents really appreciate you..... nope they absolutely hate your guts... get used to it. you make it sound as though your really thoughtful but the truth is you work for the local authority... why not speak about the children who are not allowed to speak to the parents over christmas? ha? come on what is all this whiter than white bs? you dont speak of it because it wouldnt make you look so good would it... what you should be saying is this "you might have a bit of problem at christmas if social workers ask you to be sure the parents have absolutely no contact at all" damn right you get a problem,,, come on ms foster carer of the year: then what do you do? how do you explain to a 6 year old desperate for their mummy that they are not going to be allowed to speak to mummy? wimped out of that one didnt ya!!
If there’s a good relationship between carers and families, arranging how to handle Christmas can ensure they are on board and upbeat. This reassures the children. Having a pre-Christmas at the contact session with families can provide children with their own family celebration. hahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha now thats a joke
If children are worried their family will struggle with food, or with spending Christmas alone, we sometimes work creatively by making up a parcel of goodies.
8. On the 8th day of Christmas I shout out… ‘Merry Christmas! Santa’s been!’
At what seems like a minute past 5am the wiggling in the beds and the whispers start. ‘Is it Christmas? Is it morning yet? At this point I run out and say loudly, ‘Santa’s been and left you some presents.’ We all cheer and run downstairs to check. Christmas day begins. shame their own parents arent allowed to be part of that isnt it? by over zealous and callous evil scumcial workers making your money for you foster carers.
How you might handle this:
Important questions to ask yourself before include: Have you all the batteries you will need? The item may get thrown away if it is perceived to be broken. Does anything need putting together? Impulsive children cannot wait long. Do you need scissors to undo packaging before the kids start attacking it with their teeth?
Be prepared for tears and laughter, arguments and playing nicely, to all happen intermittently during the day. It goes with the territory. Do the best you can with trying to make the dinner, while supervising numerous children and fielding arguments. Even if it burns a bit around the edges, it will all get eaten.
9. On the 9th day of Christmas my foster child said to me…‘I hate Christmas.’
I have known children try to sabotage Christmas and break new and much longed-for toys. Others have separated themselves from the day, not wanting to join in or feeling suddenly overwhelmed.
How you might handle this:
Don't overreact, remember this is an outward sign of painful emotions. Show you understand by giving them time and attention after they cool off. Don’t rush them. because they do not want to be w-i-t-h- y-o-u
Sometimes trying to draw (trick) them into a movie or a new game will transition them into reconnecting with others. Sometimes hot chocolate, sweets and downright silliness can hit the reset button for a young person to re-engage with festivities too. You know your child, you will find a way. there is that 'your' child again
10. On the 10th day of Christmas my foster child said to me… ‘I’m bored!’
A day or two after the big day those fearsome words may be uttered. Is your lovely child going to ease their sense of boredom by displaying behaviour that may not be pleasant, constructive or safe? and again
How you might handle this:
Get the children outside in the fresh air to avoid cabin fever. Hope for snow! Go somewhere you have never been before – a trip, a pantomime, a show or a concert. money money money and lots of it by the sound of it!! she doesnt care though the sosh will pay
Tell them that if they are bored you can think of lots of household chores you need help with. Some are magically no longer bored and some even accept the offer to help.
11. On the 11th day of Christmas my social worker said to me… ‘Did you have a lovely Christmas?’
Hmmm, how do you respond? You have gone through a long winter holiday where the kids were over excited in the run up to Christmas, hit a huge high on the day (or not, depending on the child’s perspective of Christmas), coped with the cold temperatures and the lack of outdoor activities.
‘Yeah, it was great!’, I reply and my social worker smiles knowingly. She is relieved we haven’t had to call the out of hours service over the Christmas break. Now there is just the small job of printing off pictures, writing up memory books, ensuring all the paperwork is up to date and packing away the decorations for another year. I leave aside the children’s stockings, that way they can take them when they leave and hang them for Santa wherever they may be next Christmas. (and dont forget your paycheck)
12. On the 12th day of Christmas, finally… I sit down, enjoy the silence and take a sip of my first hot cup of tea in weeks, comforted by the fact that it's all over for another year. and then straight online to spend some of the easiest £8000 in 5 or 6 weeks anyone can make.
Maria Catterick is a foster carer with Team Fostering, a fostering agency based in the north east of England.
so maria how much were you paid to imprison 4 children weekly????
Fostering children allowances
Independent Fostering Agencies (IFAs)
IFA Fostering Allowances:
How much will I get paid?
On average, Independent Fostering Agencies pay a basic weekly fostering allowance and fee of £380 per week for all ages of foster children.
Some IFAs also pay foster carer enhanced payments of up to double their standard rate, dependent on the needs of the foster child, such as :
- Parent and child placements; Children with special needs; Remand placements.
Local Authorities (LAs)
The Local Authority fostering fees and allowances structure has Nationally recommended rates for each foster child. Foster carers are paid a weekly allowance to cover the cost of fostering a child or children.
LA Fostering Allowance 2012:
Outside London
Ages
0-4: £131.47 5-10: £149.76 11-15: £186.43 16+: £226.74
In London
Ages
0-4: £154.30 5-10: £175.90 11-15: £219.05 16+: £266.01
The foster carers allowance is provided to cover the following:
Household costs, food, clothes, travel, school dinners and any other things required to look after a foster child. The payment takes into account the fact that foster care for children cost more than caring for birth children.
In addition to the fostering allowance other payments may be made to foster carers, depending on their experience and qualifications. These payments are often between £50 and £200 per week. Generally, Local Authorities pay their fostering allowances directly into the foster carer's bank account every two weeks. Local Authorities tend to have different allowances for short break foster carers.
Choosing the best Fostering Agency
If you decide to take the next step towards becoming a foster carer, use our free fostering agency matching service which finds the best fostering agencies with vacancies for you and your circumstances.
As a potential foster carer, it is important that you get fostering right first time by choosing the right fostering agency, which will offer you the best training, support and fostering allowance - this is where we can help so contact us today!
In receipt of Benefits?
The general position of foster carers is that any payments received regarding fostering will be disregarded for benefits purposes. However, this will not be the case if you are treated for Tax and National Insurance purposes as though you were self-employed when you should seek further advice from your local Benefits office.
As a foster carer fostering children you will not be able to claim Child Tax Credit or Child Benefit for a foster child if you are in receipt of a fostering allowance. However you may be able to claim Working Tax Credit if you are receiving the reward element and you are treated as self employed. If you are putting in a claim for this, seek professional advice first.
Foster carers may be in a position to claim any of the following benefits, according to circumstances:
- Income Support
- Income-Based Jobseeker's Allowance
- Housing Benefit
- Council Tax Benefit
- Disability Living Allowance
- Working Tax Credits
Affording to foster children
Fostering children is no longer seen as a voluntary service. In order to recruit and retain foster carers, they need to be financially rewarded as any other workers in social care.
Local Authorities and Independent Fostering Agencies provide fees and allowances to enable foster carers to care for children and young people on a full-time basis.
Local Authorities and Independent Fostering Agencies provide fees and allowances to enable foster carers to care for children and young people on a full-time basis.
A Fostering Career?
Can fostering children be a full time job?
Yes. It is usually expected that a foster carer will become available full time. Generally, the more available you are, the more foster care placements you will be offered.
If you would like us to support you with an application to become a foster carer or you just require further information about foster caring, complete the foster carer . Please read our statement of confidentiality.
Timescales
In our experience, Local Authorities take six months and Independent Fostering Agencies take an average of four months to complete the foster carer assessment. However Local Authorities are catching up.
More information...Foster care course
As your application proceeds you will be invited to attend a fostercare training course, most Fostering Agencies use the Fostering Network course called "Skills to Foster".
Foster Care in the UK.
More information...Assessment
The fostering social worker will visit you and your family at home. It is important that you discuss fostering with your children at an early stage and check out how they feel about being part of a fostering family.
More information...Why foster care in UK?
People become foster carers because they are committed to giving children a safe and secure home. Stella, a foster carer told us "fostering has given me the opportunity to give youngsters a chance at family life. My kids had left home, I had the space and because I had thought about fostering for a while I took the plunge. I look after teenagers now who I help to move on to independance. It's hard sometimes but I love it!"
More information...Fostering as a career
Fostering can be a career. Some Fostering Agencies are prepared to pay retainers between placements to experienced foster carers and there is a growing need for foster carers who are prepared to foster children and young people on a long term fostering basis, as well as permanently.
More information...Who can be a foster carer?
Foster carers come from all walks of life, different backgrounds, experiences, lifestyles, ages and occupations. To be a foster carer you will need to be flexible, understanding and want to learn new skills. A good sense of humour helps.
More information...Online form
If you are serious about considering becoming a foster carer and would like to find out more about how to foster care in the UK, contact us to use our free fostering service by completing our confidential online form.
What we do
Simply Fostering will monitor all enquiries and if we feel it would be of help to you if you supplied more information, we will contact you by email.
More information...In confidence
Simply Fostering value confidentiality. We understand that people are concerned about providing personal information on the internet.
Fostering Form...Foster carers pension
Foster carers are entitled to 'Home Responsibilities Protection' (HRP). This means the number of years foster carers need to work to qualify for the state pension will be reduced to take into account their years of caring for foster children. This change will increase a foster carers financial security and recognise the importance of the work that they carry out. For more information visit the pensions website
Income tax exemption
Foster carers are entitled to an income tax exemption up to a certain threshold for their fostering. The threshold has two elements:
- A fixed amount to cover capital costs initially set at £10,000 per year
- An additional amount per child, initially set at £200 per week for a child up to the age of 11years and £250 per week for a child aged 11 years and over.
The reason for this government initiative is to make sure foster carers are not unfairly taxed on the expenses they incur through fostering. For more information contact HM Revenue and Customs
Make a fostering enquiry...
Choosing the best Fostering Agency
Before enquiring or applying to become a foster carer, make sure that you choose the right agency for you and your family by using our free fostering agency matching service.Contact us today.
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Picture credits (top to bottom): Kaisa Siren/Rex; Image Source/Rex; I Love Images/Rex; Image Source/Rex; Image Broker/Rex
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